You'll think of me

So I just found out joe has had Beth over to his new house. Ouch. I had suspicions but its hard knowing it. I mean I don't want to get back with him but I love him still and he left like a month ago and last week he was trying to get back with me. I just can't believe it. All I can think about is the song "you'll think of me" by Keith urban. It just feels like how I feel about it. 

I woke up early this morning around 4am

With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate

I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep

But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake

Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms

I've been tryin' my best to get along

But that's OK

There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom

Take your memories, I don't need'em

Take your space and take your reasons

But you'll think of me

And take your cap and leave my sweater

'Cause we have nothing left to weather

In fact I'll feel a whole lot better

But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head

I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left

I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this

And all the baggage that seems to still exist

It seems the only blessing I have left to my name

Is not knowing what we could have been

What we should have been

So

Take your records, take your freedom

Take your memories, I don't need'em

Take your space and take your reasons

But you'll think of me

And take your cap and leave my sweater

'Cause we have nothing left to weather

In fact I'll feel a whole lot better

But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind

Don't worry, I'll be fine

I'm gonna be alright

While you're sleeping with your pride

Wishing I could hold you tight

I'll be over you

And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom

Take your memories, I don't need'em

And take your cap and leave my sweater

'Cause we have nothing left to weather

In fact I'll feel a whole lot better

But you'll think of me

So take your records, take your freedom

Take your memories, I don't need'em

Take your space and all your reasons

But you'll think of me

And take your cap and leave my sweater

'Cause we got nothing left to weather

In fact I'll feel a whole lot better

But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah

And you're gonna think of me

Oh someday baby, someday

It's an old song but misty played it today and now it's in my head. I just can't believe it. He just better not have her around Aubrey because that would be the worst thing he had ever done in his life. But life goes on and apparently it goes on faster for him. Ill get my life together and be better and he will think of me. He will wish he didn't fuck this up and it will be too late. I'm moving on and it feels great. I will make things better for Aubrey and I so she can have an awesome life. :)

Aubrey has a new friend!

Britt you can't say anything to anyone if you read this. So last Sunday  I took Aubrey to "the beach" Carter's lake. It was so fun! She loved it. :) she will probably be a water baby too. :) it's going to be awesome. She loves my friend Leigh's husband. It was so cute. He was the only person she would go to other than me. Lol I'm going to have trouble with her. She likes older boys. She just splashed and had a ball. We had her "swim" to each of us. It was cute. Brantlee didn't come he was in a bad mood but it was misty Leigha and josh (leigha's husband) it was super fun I got to swim around a bit while josh held Aubrey. I tried to swim to the barrier with her but its hard to swim where you can't reach with a baby lol.

Leigha's son, brantlee, was being so sweet to her and she was so mean to him on Saturday when we went over there. He was trying to hug on her and kiss her and he would just shove him away. I felt so bad for him. It was pitiful. He was trying so hard. :/ but it's pretty cool having a mommy friend with a baby her age. My 3 friends are cool and all but it's different with someone who has a baby her age. It's good for her too. She can grow up with a friend like me and misty
Sort of lol we were a little older and lost touch For a few years but its co to be able to say I have been her friend since I was 5. Lol

Aubrey is super jealous of madelyne though. It's bad. She hit her in the face and took her passie. I'm going to have issues with that. Anytime madelyne comes near me Aubrey is in my lap lol. That's one reason I can't have anymore kids lol another is the whole not having sex thing lol the other is its a mess. Lol the other day I was hding madelyne and Aubrey was hungry so I went to make her some chicken nuggets one handed because I still had madelyne because If I sa her down Aubrey would abuse her. Well I got it in the microwave and I went back to the living room and Aubrey had gotten into madelyne formula... She had it everywhere!! It was a mess. Lol

 So joe... What can I say about that. I think he realized that I'm not taking him back. It was hard to do but I had to for Aubrey. Joe and I were pretty toxic and that's not good for her to be around. I need to show her that she needs to be treated like a queen. He didn't do that. I just wish he was being nicer. Everything I do is wrong and it's driving me crazy. Although I am excited to find out e can't take her from me because he left me I automatically get custody I was super worried that he would just take off with her and I couldn't do anything. :)  now my family is being all crazy. Uncle John heard that he was yelling at me and threatened me(which he did but that's not the point) and so he called him and went off which just makes joe mad at me so it wasn't helpful. John also found out he was seen with the girl he cheated on me with the day he left me and that didn't help things. It's just annoying. I know John is just doing the thing he should I mean e is my uncle john and would do anything for me and just wants to protect me but ugh it's stressful. So joe comes and gets her once a week right now and that's good because im so not ready for her to be gone all night yet. It makes me want to cry thinking about it. But I know she needs her daddy. We got into it Sunday because he was bitching that i didn't have a job yet and stuff and I told him that he needed to help me more that I shouldn't have to ask him to but her diapers and wipes he should just know that she needs them. Even after I told him 2 times she was running low and he "didn't hear me" whatever I know you did douche. He could have even asked if she did I mean he has been gone at least a month and he has bought one thing of wipes after I asked him to get that because she was out and I didn't have any money. I feel like I shouldn't have to ask him. He says I should because he isn't there all the time. Well maybe you should see her more than once a fucking week! It just irritates me that he only sees her that little and he is so douchey to me when he does like he just shows up to get her and don't give me a time or anything and I'm trying to be nice because I don't want him to fight for custody. I just want to do the joint thing because its best for her as much as it kills me.

Drama

So Aubrey is a creep. Lol we have decided. Misty and I went on a road trip yesterday to Kentucky. Just because we like to just drive. Aubrey was acting crazy she would just creepily stare at us it was just crazy. Haha we had so much fun. I like to just drive. Well on the way back it got crazy! I posed a picture of the sign on Instagram. Joe saw it on Facebook and I didn't tell him. So he called me going crazy! I know I was in the wrong because I was I should have I just didn't think about it. I didn't think it was that big of a deal we were just driving and ended up there. I should have told him because Aubrey was with us. He just took it wayy to far. I said sorry because I was wrong and he just kept yelling at me and calling me names. I did not deserve that. Then he starts flipping because I never let him see her well I want him to he is the crazy person. He said he was supposed to see her yesterday but because I was helping misty move he wasn't going to ask because I was busy. I was 2 feet down the road. I would have came back. I want him to spend more time with Aubrey. She needs him. Then he starts saying he is hearing stuff about me through the grape vine and he just needs proof then he is going to just sit back and laugh. What the hell is he going to do. He hear I stay home all day and take care of Aubrey? Man what a terrible person. He is just starting stuff because I said I heard he was smoking stuff that he shouldn't. Well I'm sure that one is true. He is just trying to he me worked up and it's fucking working. Ugh I'm so pissed.

So frustrated!!

Oh my goodness. I am so frustrated. We have been cleaning the house super clean all week and my sister Roni and her children (3 girls 6,6,7) stay the night 2 nights and then leave and the house is a wreck! Seriously! Why would you just let your kids mess a house up and not care! And they play with Aubrey's toys that were organized everywhere and lose pieces and I an super OCD about losing her toys and keeping them together and it drives me crazy when pieces are not there. Ugh So I had to spend all day cleaning a house for Roni baby shower that should have been clean if it wasn't for her and her kids. And they threw stuff away and when the trash got full did they take it out? Noo they got a new trash bag and put it in the floor. Wtf seriously.

Aubrey my big girl

So I just cannot believe how big Aubrey is. She is almost 14 months and I just don't know where the hell time went! 

They are just 2 completely different babies! Well she isn't so much a baby anymore. And in like a week and a half she will not be the baby of the family anymore. :( but I just cannot believe how much she learned in the past year. She is such a beast. She is getting so good at walking and she sat through the fireworks and didn't cry. She slept through the fire works last year. And she is playing with her cousins and just doesn't need me like she used to. I just can't believe how big she is. She is just not a baby anymore. She eats regular food. She has a big girl carseat now. I cried when we got it. Lol. She is just so different now. She is such a flirt already has had 2 boyfriends my goodness. It just makes me sad. 

A week old

13 months

Watching the fireworks like a beast. :)

20 and divorced

So my husband just left me and now I have no idea what to do. I'm a stay at home mom and now I don't have my husband to support us. I don't have a job and I haven't had one since I was 17. Everyone wants people with experience to hire them and I have none. I can't make minimum wage because I have to support Aubrey and I. I am just so stressed and upset about having to leave Aubrey. I ball my eyes out every time I think about it. I'm more hurt that I have to leave Aubrey than joe leaving me. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I hate talking to people about my problems I never have been the type of person to do that. So I'm trying to work this all out on my own. It's so hard and I'm trying to make everything look normal so my family doesn't know which they do since he doesn't come home at night because I don't want to tell them until he gets all his stuff out of here. Ugh. This is not how it was supposed to be! If he was seriously still mad about the stuff I did over 2 years ago he shouldn't have married me and had a baby with me. God! I just wish he decided this sooner. Don't get me wrong I love Aubrey more than anything in this world but why would he have her and still be not happy with me. How could I not make him happy!!! I did everything for him. I just don't know what to do anymore. My self esteem is at an all time low and I just don't know what to do. Now I am a single mom with no job and no way to support my daughter and when I get a job I'm not going to have money for a baby sitter. I really hope my soon to be ex sister in law is still going to be nice to me. I don't need to lose any friends right now. And I still have people asking me for advice how can I do that when my life is falling apart. I still do though because I'm nice and I like to help. I just don't want her to end up like me. 20 and divorced. She is with a dead beat that she is preg by and I don't want her to follow after me. Don't be in a relationship you know if over. I have known for a while it was over just neither of us could accept it. Sometimes love just isn't enough. 

My husband

Ugh. I have no idea what to do. I am so upset. I have now caught him talking to the same girl 5 times! What the hell. Are we seriously not important enough to you!!! I can not believe he did this!! I just don't know what to do threatening him is apparently not good enough. He literally looked me in the eyes and lied to me with a straight face. How can he do that!? Untold him last time he was talking to her that he would lose us if I found out he was talking to her again. He still did it. Knowing that I told him I would leave him. I love him but he apparently does not love me enough to stop talking to her. How are we not important enough. Ugh!

Aubrey!! :)

I just have to brag!! My baby girl is soo big! It just happened so fast. One day she was flopping like a fish and leaning foward when she was sitting and couldn't sit up from laying down and literally the next day she was crawling around and sitting up straight and could sit up from laying down all by herself. I can not believe how big she has gotten. She has learned so much. I really didn't think I would like this stage so much. I love watching her learn how to use her body and work everything. She can also do that "come here" motion with her hand. It's adorable. I also layed her down for a nap and I turned around and she was sitting up in her bassinet playing. She just does so much now. She is always talking.

Update for us. We are thinking about moving out. I hate not having my own house to do things in. Also this is an adult house. It's not baby friendly. It's a house full of teenagers. Aubrey will be walking soon so I want her somewhere that is safe for her. I know it will be hard but joe maybe getting a raise soon. We could use tax money for furniture and Lynn (my mil) has a trailer and she apparently told joe (my husband) if we want it she will kick the people in it out. I am seriously thinking about it. I need a safer place for Aubrey. I also hate that there is inside dogs here!!! There is dog hair EVERYWHERE!!!! So I'm going to work on the budget today to see if we can work it. I hope so.

Friends.

So I recently just lost a friend. I just don't understand why. I just want people to be in my life or not be in it. I don't want Aubrey to feel like she is not good enough to have someone in her life. It's not fair to her. Me I am a big girl I can handle it she is not. I will do anything I can to keep her from being hurt. It's not fair to her. I love her and I can't see that hurt in her eyes if I can help it. She said she just lives far away and stuff like that but she has not said one word to me in 5 months. That is just talking to me whenever. It was different when it was just me. I can handle it but my baby don't understand. She is just a baby. When there is a baby you have to understand things are different. When you have a baby your life changes. I love having her. I wouldn't change anything about my life for anything. She is the most amazing thing to ever happen to me. I just don't want her hurt. I hate to see those tears in her eyes it breaks my heart. So my friend didn't like what I said that to her and now she deleted me. It sucks because we have been best friends for around 5 or 6 years. So it does hurt but I say it don't. I have also lost another friend we have been best friends for around 4 years. We kind of stopped talking about a year ago then we started talking again but she just stopped talking back to me. I don't really care that she did because she has just lied wayyyy too much. So I don't have many friends left. I really only have two. One is Misty we have been best friends since we were toddlers in the kiddie pool. Lol we have went through a lot together. I am glad she is there for me whenever I need her and has been forever. My other friend is Brittany. She is my sister in law but we are friends. She is one of the couple people from my husbands family I like. Lol we may not talk a lot anymore but she is still a good friend and has been since I known her. Close it 3 years I think. I know she will not leave Aubrey's life because she is family. Lol. I may not have a lot of friend s but the couple I have are good ones. I am going to get some more because I know some people that has babies around Aubrey's age so I will hang out with them on play dates and stuff. I just don't want fake friends in my family lives. The pictures are of my family. :) we are too cute. Lol

My baby and me

Well I have not posted in a while. A lot has gone on. (Brittany if you read this don't mention it to anyone even Jessie and don't text me about it joe can't know I talk about it) well I found out not too long ago my husband cheated on me. It hurts a lot.  He says he didn't physically do anything with her but I don't think I believe him. It started about two months after I had our daughter. I feel like all the time since then was a lie. I was still recovering from my c section am he was telling another girl he loved her. I honestly don't know what to do. I found out and he said he would stop and I have caught him 3 times after that. It's been a while since I have caught him and I just don't know what to do. I always feel like he is going to meet a girl or he is talking to one again. He can't give me a reason why. He just says he don't know why he did it. I still have not come to terms with it. I still am consumed by fear it will happen. I can't talk to him about it either because he gets mad because he is over me bringing it up so much. I want to get over it. I love him so much. We have been through so much  I need to find a way to cope with it.


On a good note my daughter is getting so big. She is 8 months now and she is actually crawling right now. She went through different stages. Dragging herself or flopping like a fish out of water it was all so cute. I love her so much. She makes me so happy. She said mama first but she can say dada now too. She can stand with support or holdin something. It's crazy to see how much she has learned in so little time. She is always babbling these days. She is crawling everywhere!!! She is just so big. I can't believe she is almost a year. I know I want to do her birthday at a park. The theme will be brown and pick most of the things I have for her are. I'm thinking I may get her a toddler bed for her birthday. I'm not sure what for sure yet though. Anyways that's all for today.